My Experience with Ketamine Infusions for my Treatment-Resistant Depression

Hello NAMI members! Some of you may know me as a facilitator for our Anxiety and Women’s Support Groups, my name is Bree, and I live with treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. I started my mental health journey at 13, and as life progressed, traumas occurred. A more innocent version of myself believed that after one significant trauma, I would be spared any additional ones. That was inaccurate.

I wanted to share this with you all because this is a treatment that is less well-known and can seem daunting without a person to go to with questions. I am happy to be this person for anyone who is looking into any variety of a ketamine treatment plan. My email address is Bree@washconami.org and I would love to chat with you about anything you’d like to discuss, even if you just need a safe person to vent to. You are not alone, we are all in this together. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and if you don’t, I hope you give yourself the credit you deserve for using the tools you have at your disposal to survive.

Why did I decide to try ketamine infusions?

Treatment-Resistant Depression can only be diagnosed after you have tried 7 different depression medications and none have provided any relief. I finally found a psychiatrist who initiated a psychotropic genetic test, which analyzes how your genes might affect medication outcomes (we used GeneSight). The results were astonishing. Every depression, anxiety, and ADHD medication I had tried in the last 16 years resulted as being useless to my body - my DNA rejected them. Suddenly, the problem wasn’t me. It removed this guilt I had for not feeling better, for not healing the way other people thought I should feel. Some even made me feel worse, and seeing this in a test result soothed my soul greatly.

In 2021, I had an extended mental health crisis. I was at my breaking point. I was not okay. I was not safe. And no one seemed to understand what I needed to be myself again.

I had searched desperately for help. The cost of an extended inpatient stay was unacceptable. The options I had locally were a band-aid at best. I had found a few options I was willing to try, and at this point, if I could afford it, I was going to do it because my life was on the line.

I found a ketamine infusion center run by a licensed physician. It wasn’t cheap, but it was starkly more affordable than the $40-$60k inpatient stays out of state. The goal is to utilize ketamine to rewire your brain. Similar to the goal of TMS, without any electric shock component. The initial treatment plan is always the same, no matter where you go. It is 6 sessions, that must be completed within 3 weeks maximum.

What is Ketamine?

Ketamine is an anesthetic most commonly used to sedate large animals. It was initially used to treat people during the Vietnam War. Today, it can be used to treat burn victims in a way that doesn’t leave them with an opioid dependence when they have recovered. Emergency responders can provide ketamine en route to a hospital to ensure immediate relief of emotional overwhelm and agitation during suicide response calls. There is research being done now to verify its effectiveness as a tool to relieve Autistic Distress and Bipolar conditions, but as of now is mainly being used as a treatment for suicidal ideation, Treatment-Resistant Depression, PTSD, Substance Use Disorders, Schizophrenia, and Anxiety. (Article link: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9053551/)

The bulk of the research done is based on the infusions, and the underlying result is that the long-term effects of ketamine allow the brain to rewire itself. Our synapses are injured from chronic depression. Synaptic connections in our brains dictate how our nerves communicate amongst themselves. The synapses are injured with prolonged depressive symptoms, and allowing them to heal is the goal of the treatment. The dissociation of the ketamine is not the treatment, it is just the path to the end goal.

What was my experience with ketamine treatment like?

It is important to note that the journey is not all rainbows and sunshine. Part of the journey is very painful, and it is likely you will feel worse before you feel better. In my case, I saw myself with all my flaws about halfway through both treatments I have received. This can be a scary moment, and something to be mindful of during treatment. Most people don’t feel a huge positive difference until the 4th or 6th infusion, and surviving the first half of the series is of the utmost importance. Having a safety net in place, communicating the level of vulnerability experienced with the people in your life, and utilizing your coping skills and tools during this portion so you can make it to the end and finally have the relief necessary to thrive after suicidal ideation.

I was lucky enough to eventually discover Charlie Health, which is geared towards adolescents and young adults only. Charlie Health was an Intensive Outpatient Therapy Program. It was 10 hours a week of group therapy, with the same group, for 3 hours, 3 times a week. One hour was CBT, one was DBT, and one was Creative Arts Therapy. There was one hour of individual therapy a week as well, with an optional Family Therapy session as well. I wish I had done these two treatments at the same time, as I feel my perceived setbacks during the infusions would have been easier to deal with if I had the tools I have now. Having these tools is also a big part of why my second series this year was so drastically different from the first series. My brain had more synaptic connections than it did last year, and I had access to the effective coping skills I wish I had learned as a child.

The first round of ketamine infusions helped save my life. The second round helped prevent me from slipping back into a crippling cycle of negative self-talk and paralyzing depression.

Trying to describe what I experienced during the second round of infusions has proven difficult, to say the least. It was dissociative, but not necessarily in a bad way. Having disassociated in the past, due to trauma, I can wholeheartedly say the two are completely different experiences. The visuals I “saw” during the infusion came from within. I was fully aware that it was temporary, that I would return to reality when the infusion was over. Although, I must acknowledge that my view on reality as a whole has shifted.

I no longer view reality as I once did. It is bigger, more intertwined and more complex and beautiful than I could ever have imagined on my own. There is an aspect of “connectedness” that I hadn’t directly experienced before. My infusions involved a great deal of fluid movement, from trees growing and always changing, to water flowing and rushing around me, to being thrust from the ocean to the infinity of space. I was lucky enough to see color, mostly green and white. The physicians had informed me that people usually don’t see color, and now that my series is complete, I can acknowledge that when my brain saw blacks and shades of gray, my heart knew it was blue.

I experienced things that convinced me that death wasn’t the final end. That it was the beginning of a different kind of journey. And as a widow, this brought me peace. I no longer had to rely on words from prideful men behind a pulpit telling me they knew for a fact there was a Heaven and a Hell, that is not what I experienced. It was deeper than that. It was like I connected with my late husband on a plane that was not physical. That he regretted his decision to take his life, and that he was still on this spiritual journey to find the peace he was seeking.

My biggest takeaways were that I knew with absolute certainty that I was not done yet. The work and goals I have are physical. The surreal realization that I had created my own people, and the weight of that responsibility to be the mother they require. It was not a painful realization, but an inspiring one. To have the presence of mind to accept that my existence is so much bigger than me, than my physical motives and limitations, and yet, the souls I had brought into the world are depending on me physically being here to guide them towards the peace their father and I so desperately craved during our darkest moments.

Overall, I feel much better, probably the most joyous and mindful I have felt in many years. It is easier to feel joy and happiness. It is easier to pull out of negative thoughts and self-talk. It is easier to appreciate the progress I have made and the little things happening around me that are positive. It is easier to find solutions to my problems. It is easier to not get lost within myself. I am so very grateful to myself for ensuring this outcome. It has been a long and painful journey, but it is the only fight worth the effort.